** This is a raw emotional post. These are fresh feelings as they come out. Writing these down and showing them to you all is a great way of letting my feelings be heard. **
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Your bones are trembling, your knees are weak, your heart is racing as fast as it possibly can just so it can get out, get out of this.
Confronting the person who has hurt you is a very hard thing to do. If your attacker is someone you still see in your every day life, who still remains in your family, your school, your circle of friends… you understand this all too well, just like me. Whenever you’re talking to your attacker, everything you’ve done to cope with your abuse comes completely undone, your strength unravels and you begin to feel as though you’re going to collapse. You begin to try and hold onto things, try and get in touch with someone who can make you feel better, you listen to music to drown out the reality of what is actually going on.
That just happened to me, just now.
Family gatherings are hard when you have to face your attacker, the person who harmed you for so long. The worst thing for me as a survivor is facing this person, talking to this person. I try and be strong and pretend like everything is OK, I try and pretend like we’re close but deep down I can’t. I am damaged, but I am strong.
How can I not see this person as a rapist, how can I not see this person as someone who is out to hurt me for their own pleasure? I can’t.
I was abused for twelve years and the attacker looks at me like I’m staying in the past and that I should just forgive and forget…. Are you kidding me? Am I suppose to lie and say I don’t lock my bedroom door at night, that I don’t worry about cracks in the door… worrying that you’ll peak through the cracks just to see my exposed body? This is where the attacker plays victim.
"I feel the pain too, It hurts me greatly to know what happened. It should have never happened."
But it did.
"I didn’t want it to happen either, I tried to make it stop."
But it continued.
The attacker continues to push, beg, cry, pester you until you give in, pressures you into doing the things you don’t want to do and then claims it was mututal. It is never mutual. Don’t give me your victim bullshit, you’re not the victim here. You have no right to tell me that I should forgive and let the past be the past, that was MY childhood, my childhood was stolen from me. It’s time for me to be your burden, remind you of what you did to me.
I am only three years out of the abuse, the rape, the pressuring… everything. My wounds are just as fresh as the first day my attacker laid hands on me at the age of six. I was a slave in my own home, no one was there to protect me but myself.
Attackers will refuse to admit that they were wrong, that they were the cause of all the abuse. Attackers do not understand the physical and emotional pain and damage that comes from being hit, slapped, bruised, thrown against a wall, raped, and touched. They either think of it as mutual because it is the best way they cope or they blame you for their actions. This is where I will continue to tell others, it is NOT your fault, you are NOT to blame, you are the survivor here. It wasn’t what you were wearing, or that you had one too many drinks, or you were flirting and being “suggestive” and deserved it. No. No one deserves to be raped because of how they were acting, if they were drunk, wearing a skirt… There is no reason to harm someone, there is NEVER a good reason to harm someone. No means no, no always means no. Do not fall for the “I’m the victim too” game, continue to be heard and continue to speak out against it.
What the attackers wants out of that is for you to doubt yourself, to give into the game. You’re stronger than that, I know it and you know it.
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