This happened to me. {Seeing through the eyes of a victim}

{ tw: this post discusses coming out to your loved ones about sexual abuse and rape.

Here it goes, you’ve built up your voice and your heart is full with fear. You sit down and you let the words flow from your lips, falling from your tongue and crashing to the floor like raindrops — each word as heavy as the last. Each breath you take feels as though it’s not enough and you’re suffocating in your own skin. You want to get out, you want to escape but you stand tall and you let your voice be heard.

You can’t help but feel exposed in your own skin, underneath all of your clothes — as though you’re completely naked. Each detail of your flesh and bones, exposed for all to see. Every freckle, crease, scar, and mark exposed as though everyone knows your secrets — as though they know you’ve lost your innocence. This exposed feeling never truly really leaves you when you’re a victim; you can be completely alone or in a crowded room and still feel as though you’ve been stripped of yourself. It’s not that you’re hollow, it’s that you’ve escaped yourself.

And suddenly that sense of worth goes out the window. You, in your eyes are viewed as a sexual being. You feel alienated by your loved ones and friends — bound to a chair to be poked and prodded at and judged by the people who are suppose to love you and be there for you. You hear in your head a thousand times;

 "You wanted it."

"But you were teasing him!"

"It was mutual."

"I don’t believe you."

"What were you wearing?"

"You’re lying."

"He/she would never do that!" 

"Stop crying, that happened to you a long time ago!"

Each word and each thought digging underneath every thin layer of your skin and sinking down deep into your bones — knowing that you can never really reach that part of your pain — so in turn you build this false sense of strength and this false layer of thick skin telling yourself that you can handle what is thrown at you; all while faking a smile but deep down those very same words make their way to your bloodstream, each sentence coursing through your veins. Your heart is beating faster than you can even handle and your hands are shaking. Will you ever put your quivering bones to rest? That panic begins to set in again.

You begin to realize that no matter what you say, those people will never understand and in turn you begin to believe those words that were given to you. You begin to question if your abuse really was abuse and so you cope, you cope the only way you know how to cope… by silencing yourself and by each jab to your self esteem you begin to believe what they say.

All that hard work you built up in your voice, that thick layer of skin, and your strength comes crashing down with each denial that you hear and each question you’re asked and this is where you begin to lose yourself all over again. You unravel like a blanket, each end was never really as secure as it seemed. Your wall comes crashing down and each wound is reopened. You leave your body and everything becomes completely surreal. You begin to focus more on them and what makes them happy. With bloodshot eyes you nod your head and bow to them and you say to yourself that pretending like it was mutual is the best way to deal with your pain. To agree with the disbelievers will make everything stop and you will never have to speak of your abuse again but this is not you, this is not how you should be. You know in your heart the pain you feel. This was not a mutual thing.

By making others happy, you’re hurting yourself.

By being submissive to them, you’re ignoring your pain. You’re throwing away that part of yourself that you view as being tainted and hurt just to make them happy. But still that part of you; your past — is bound to you at your feet, never truly leaving your side. Each smile and every day you continue to lie to yourself for them is only opening every wound you’re suppressing day by day. You’re bottling up your past, bottling up your emotions just so that they don’t have to face reality and in turn you’re falling apart.

Let your voice be heard even if your body shakes and you stumble to put the pieces of yourself back together again. Even if they don’t believe you, even if they blame you or judge you, let that weight on your chest GO. Let your voice be heard just so you can hear yourself speak the truth. Say it to yourself, out loud, tell yourself what happened. Tell those you love and let what comes — come, let what happens, happen. You need to do this for yourself more than for anyone else because you know in your heart what has been done to you and you know that what happened to you was abuse and it was WRONG and it’s not your fault. You are not to blame. You have to face your past to begin the healing process, you need to begin to fix yourself for YOURSELF. No matter what comes from letting your voice be heard, don’t EVER let yourself be silenced. Let your voice be heard for you and yourself only.

I can only hope that you do not get judged and blamed for what was done to you. This is your struggle and only you know the pain you have inside.

As victims we have a way of ignoring our past and pushing that part of ourselves away but all that does is make our wounds even deeper than they were before. Are we truly survivors or are we still victims running from ourselves? We’re not facing what has been done to us, so we become these hollow bodies with fake smiles because we haven’t realized that we’ve thrown out ourselves. We’re throwing out that thing that we lost when we were hurt. We lost our sense of trust and our love for ourselves. We need to find that again, we need to heal. We cannot deny our past any longer, we must find ourselves again and trust me, we will.

  1. browntree reblogged this from speakoutbeheard
  2. speakoutbeheard posted this