I’m proud of myself today, I’m proud of myself for many reasons. I opened up to myself, I opened up the wounds and poured salt in them — so that I could feel the very reality of my pain, so that I could wake up and realize that I had already been through the worst of it…. why should I keep quiet? That isn’t as painful as the years I’ve kept in silence. I am hurting myself, I am hurting myself. So I did what I had to do, what I’ve been encouraging you all to do — I regained my voice.
This is something you’ve all encouraged me to do, something that I’ve been mentally preparing myself to do. I faced my fears from my post about keeping quiet. I built my strength up for myself, I let myself have a mental breakdown for myself. That wall I had put in front of my self came crashing down and I faced my fears. It was a small step but a giant leap towards my healing process and you know what? I don’t regret a single thing.
I listened to a song that I knew would make me cry just so that I would let the emotions of my past overwhelm me. I started to write a post (which will eventually be posted on here) that stirred up my past and reached wounds I had long forgotten about. I let it happen — I didn’t shut it out or ignore it all together, I stayed strong and let myself cry and let myself feel vulnerable. I let myself do what I had to do so that I could feel strong and so I could finally begin to build a healthy wall of strength and courage instead of fear and pain.
I took a deep breath and jumped into the deep end of the pool, I owned up to my boyfriend’s mother. It was surreal and it was overpowering and it felt like I was someone else entirely. I told her what I needed to tell her and I did it for myself because I need to let my voice be heard. All my fears were racing through my head before I could say the words "I was sexually abused" those words were always so hard to swallow but I won’t let them keep me down. I refuse to stay quiet to make others happy because I need to make myself happy. I’m not going to stay in the dark any longer about my pain because I choose not to, no matter how uncomfortable it makes others feel. I am strong and this is MY past and this is MY story and I will not be ashamed, I will be strong. I will move on and I will heal on my own terms.
The beauty in it all is that she didn’t judge me, she didn’t blame me, she supported me and she helped me. So don’t feel afraid to speak out, that floating feeling is absolutely AMAZING. Continue to build your wings so that you can feel free and so that you will finally feel that weight from your chest disappear. Nothing bad will come from your voice, only good things will come to you. Speak out, be heard. You can do this.
This is not the end of my voice, I am going to speak to the rest of my boyfriend’s family next and I will do it no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how much my stomach tenses up — I’m doing this for MYSELF. I am strong and I can get through anything! I hope that you all will feel as amazing as I do now as you continue to heal.